Humor: A diagnostic guide to Apple Watch related emotional illnesses

Humor: A diagnostic guide to Apple Watch related emotional illnesses
The Apple Watch is still new, and while some analysts have dialed sales forecasts down a bit, no one has any doubt about the success of Apple’s wearable against a growing competitive landscape.

The jokesters at The Joy of Tech have a humoristic, and perhaps realistic, prediction for the dedicated masses that flocked to acquire the new Apple Watch: A Field Guide to Apple Watch Neuroses.

For those that don’t know, a neurosis is a medical classification of an emotional illness in which a person experiences strong feelings of fear or worry. It is a less distorted perception of reality than a diagnosis of a psychosis like schizophrenia might carry (we know you fan boys are lining up to hammer it out, so why not pour fuel on the inevitable fire?).

When you think about it, back in the day when BlackBerry was the “must have” device, it too could be accounted for various mental perceptions (hence how they came to be called “crackberrys” or “digial heroin” delivery devices), like always seeing that LED notification light blinking out of the corner of your eye, or hearing ghosts of the “lightning” notification sound – laugh all you want, BlackBerry owners know what we’re talking about.

Nitrozac and Snaggy at The Joy of Tech put together a handy and humorous guide to identifying conditions we are sure to see, especially in markets where Apple hold considerable market share, like the United States and Japan. A couple of our favorites include, Compulsive Wrist-lifting Disorder (the inability to stop lifting your wrist to activate your watch), and Pneuma-Taphobia (phantom haptic taps and alerts).

Be on the lookout for Rapidly-Cycling Bipolar Disorder (love the watch, hate the watch mood swings), and Pricey-Apple-Watch-Band Post-Purchase Depression (self-explanatory) as those could be linked to other anxieties such as Anger Disorder Type A (rage against those that don’t notice your watch) or Apple Watch Separation Anxiety (the watch is recharging, thus not on your wrist).

Untreated conditions could lead to guilt and attention seeking syndromes, as well as frustrations while waiting for your “killer app” to come to the Apple Watch.

source: The Joy of Tech



1. techperson211

Posts: 1280; Member since: Feb 27, 2014

Smart watch demand is not there yet. That's it end of story. Oh wait PA is promoting it. That's it end of story.

3. Commentator

Posts: 3723; Member since: Aug 16, 2011

How is PA promoting it? Their review was mediocre and recent news has trended negative.

19. bur60

Posts: 981; Member since: Jul 07, 2014

They gave it a high rating

24. Commentator

Posts: 3723; Member since: Aug 16, 2011

An 8 isn't a high rating on a site that gives pretty much any device a 9 or above so long as they're made by Samsung, Apple, LG, HTC, or Google. Heck, the OG Palm Pre got a 9.9. An 8 here means a 7 anywhere else.

34. xondk

Posts: 1904; Member since: Mar 25, 2014

ummm..even a 7 is a good rating. Has this become a thing here as well, and not just game reviews, where anything below 8-9 means something isn't worth it? because you know...that's not how rating you know..just saying.

9. AnTuTu

Posts: 1624; Member since: Oct 14, 2012

Hi my name is Emily, I am 16 years old please like my page :p

2. Commentator

Posts: 3723; Member since: Aug 16, 2011

It's funny because it's true...

4. drunkenjay

Posts: 1703; Member since: Feb 11, 2013

Apple sheep syndrome: Must attack android so they feel better about themselves but the truth is they are sad.

17. xperian

Posts: 421; Member since: Apr 10, 2014

It's actually more common for android fanboys to attack apple

22. drunkenjay

Posts: 1703; Member since: Feb 11, 2013

havnt seen any lately. its apple fanboys attacking android in every article.

31. nwright94

Posts: 211; Member since: Oct 14, 2014

You're on a completely different website then. Android and iOS get brought up in articles that they have nothing to do with and every single comment section on this website turns into a fanboy war between BOTH sides.

5. AlikMalix unregistered

This is actually funny. On another note - I saw a Moot 360 for the first time ever - a register woman had it on at Home Depot. I thought it was too thick, but very light. She wants an Apple watch by it owns an android phone so she has this (not lying). She showed me a few things - it was a little laggy but not annoyingly laggy

14. AppleCultist

Posts: 335; Member since: Feb 18, 2015

A little laggy is better than lots of lag from the Apple Watch.

28. UglyFrank

Posts: 2200; Member since: Jan 23, 2014

That's because it uses a 5 year old processor.

6. AlikMalix unregistered

Edit: Moto 360 (not moot 360).

35. DurTeeDee

Posts: 151; Member since: Sep 05, 2014

Moot 360 sounds better, because its a Moot point

7. medtxa

Posts: 1655; Member since: Jun 02, 2014

haha pa writer is such funny..

8. gaming64 unregistered

Next stop, A diagnostic guide to iHater related emotional syndrome.

10. Jamoga

Posts: 187; Member since: Dec 17, 2014

lol, this is awesome. why do i feel pneuma taphobia would be real eventually

11. Galaxy_Apple

Posts: 129; Member since: May 24, 2015

The anger disorder is so true if you follow Apple watch articles on PA , the haters seem to be out in full force for Apple watch, but it'll only make it more popular in the end

15. AppleCultist

Posts: 335; Member since: Feb 18, 2015

Anger disorder? More like Applesexual victim complex. No one is 'angry' about the Apple Watch. Why don't you stop thinking the world hates Apple and come to grips with reality? Most people are calling out the Apple Watch for what it is - A buggy & laggy piece of s**t that looks like a failed abortion. That's not hate. That's just telling it like it is. Truth hurts.

20. Galaxy_Apple

Posts: 129; Member since: May 24, 2015

Like I said why so much dedication to hate Apple , Such a waste of time , your only making Apple articles more popular more hits means more Apple promotion and more incentive to post Apple articles for PA writers. BTW which phone do you use ? I'm guessing Android , so why even bother about the Apple watch it won't work on Android. Personally I have no interest in the Apple watch right now cause I'm happy with my galaxy phone , but it's a device for Apple users. plus every smart watch platform has problems , I hate Android wear and the B.S google now cards. Apple watch is miles better in Apps and for UI the digital crown is nice to have. galaxy gear seems to be the most Feature rich waiting for the round gear watch, with digital bezel sounds promising. Tizen>Android wear

26. VZWuser76

Posts: 4974; Member since: Mar 04, 2010

I don't dislike Apple so much as the fans who keep telling everyone how inferior their devices are to Apple products, or like you who discount anything negative said about Apple as just being haters. Apple products aren't bad, but they aren't the perfect solution for everyone either. I guess what really irks me is when you have to crap on other people's stuff to promote your own. If it's that good it'll take care of itself. But either way, the point is to use what you like or what suits your needs best. For some it's Apple, for others it isn't. My problems with Apple itself mostly come down to their business practices and their so called Apple tax. But in reality, the latter isn't their fault. If their customers will keep paying, why not charge them for it? I used to think it was wrong for Apple to build more profit into the price, but if they can get them to pay it, more power to them.

30. Galaxy_Apple

Posts: 129; Member since: May 24, 2015

thats only cause of the carrier subsidies and the resale value of their products , in the end most buy iPhones at 199$ or 299$ , the Apple watch will never sell as much. it doesn't happen so much in Macs and iPad too seems to be stuttering cause of the premium price, cause they are too expensive. I've always told my Friends the only way to buy Apple products is via EMI or monthly schemes, seems to work out cheaper for everyone.

33. VZWuser76

Posts: 4974; Member since: Mar 04, 2010

That money still comes from somewhere, subsidy or not. I don't think it was a coincidence that many of the perks Verizon customers enjoyed went away when the iPhone launched there. Annual upgrades, 1 year contracts, VIP program all went away right around the time the iPhone came to Verizon. I even remember stories that suggested that most any device sales were also subsidizing the iPhone, whether they were Android, WP, BB, or whatever. Whether they were true or not I can't say, but it wouldn't surprise me if they were. But regardless, if people are willing to pay the price for something, without waiting until it goes down in price, they'll keep charging the Apple tax. If people didn't jump on them at launch every year, Apple might actually try to be more competitive on price. They don't even lower the price on their devices until a new model comes out. Who else does that? But since they can get away with it, why not do it? Sure they may have better resale value, but IMHO you're already paying more for what you're getting, hardware wise. To me it's like they're getting more profit simply for the customer being able to own an Apple product. I used to buy into that, but their products can go bad just as easily as any other company's can.

32. AppleCultist

Posts: 335; Member since: Feb 18, 2015

Agreed. Apple is also the only company in the world pushing malware updates to their users. At least Android updates don't downgrade your device.

23. ninja_master

Posts: 306; Member since: Feb 27, 2015

You're just an idiot hater and a retard Truth hurts

25. Commentator

Posts: 3723; Member since: Aug 16, 2011

Anger disorder, type B if I've ever seen it.

12. iLovesarcasm

Posts: 589; Member since: Oct 20, 2014

Post pricey depression when I bought iPhone 5.

13. Zylam

Posts: 1823; Member since: Oct 20, 2010

All tech is the same regardless of brand and/or type of product. You buy it in its hay day, love it/hate, care/don't care about its rival, than move on to it being a regular part of your day for a year or two. Than you get the next model and the cycle repeats.

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