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5 offbeat dating apps you should (but probably shouldn't) try this Valentine's

Updated: Feb 14, 2017, 12:31 PM

Nursing a lonely soul this Valentine's? Bored with your long-time partner of two weeks? You have the problem, we have the solution! Just come behind the corner over there with us... don't worry, no shady stuff will commence. Okay, here's a choice of five dating apps we selected, based on two criteria. First, they are not, and will never be Tinder. Second, they sound extra dodgy on paper, but if the universe does you a solid, they could lead you towards someone worth shaving your body hair for – or breaking off a relationship that makes your hair fall. Grab them by the horns and have fun, you've got nothing to lose!

Sapio

Stuck in "Tinder sucks" mode? Maybe hook-ups aren't the balm your wounded soul needs. How about meeting a beautiful someone to spend time discussing the complicated social polemics of Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment"? It's a proven aphrodisiac for the brain! And Sapio is, kind of, the app for that. Here, you judge prospective partners by their intellectual, rather than physical potency. However, Sapio isn't exactly popular, because it's not Tinder. So you will have to compete pretty hard for your crush's attention. A PhD or two might help, along with a shelf full of obscure European literature circa 1900. What's that, you say? You last read a book in 2015? Okay, time to re-install Tinder...

Download for Android or iOS

Hotline

Hotline Dating is the socially anxious teenager/millenial's worst nightmare. Like, instead of swiping and texting your prospective conquests, you have to actually... like, call them. Personally. Oh, the agony of genuine human contact! What if they say something and you can't come up with a response and the whole conversation stalls and the deafening silence in the loudspeaker gives you that uncomfortable rush of adrenaline... your palms are sweating as you are gasping for air, desperate to keep the rapidly sinking boat afloat... somehow. Five more seconds of that and you finally crumble, throw your iPhone away, and suffer horrible PTSD for a week after. Definitely not for the faint-hearted! Should you feel like it, you must request an invite in the app before you are allowed to put your social skills to the ultimate 21st century test – a phone call with a stranger.

Download for iOS

Hater

Love is the strongest emotion there is, right? Rubbish. There's nothing like good old-fashioned hate for bringing people together! If bonding over a mutual disdain for bratty children, supermarket queues, British quisine, indie rock, delayed Android updates, and other societal scourges sounds like your thing, Hater is the dating app for meeting the hate of your life. Instead of swiping people you will eventually hate (the Tinder thing), you directly swipe the stuff you already hate. Hater constructs a profile from your preferences, suggests the best matches, and lets you choose with whom to initiate contact. It's a work of genius, so join the dark side.

Download for iOS

BreakupText

When things simply aren't working, it's best to put a quiet, dignified end to them. When that's impossible (it's never possible), relationship-ending apps are here for you. And by that, we don't really mean Clash Of Clans or Hearthstone, although they can do a great job when your gaming habit goes out of control (one doesn't simply game casually). No, we're more inclined towards apps like BreakupText. This modern classic has its mechanism built of kevlar, concrete, and heartbreak – open app, push button, send snarky text, done. Why bother with painful calls or meetings when technology lets you be this heartless, detached, and efficient? BreakupText has both guys and gals covered, and features scenarios for nuking both casual and serious relationships. Tread carefully with this app if your ex is off their meds, though, for someone could end up chased with a knife... and that someone probably can't remember the last time they went for a run.

Download for iOS

Luxy

Luxy is the best thing to do as you are casually counting your millions while sipping from Johnny Depp's fine $30k/mo wine reserve. To join this app, you must be rich, hot, or rich and hot. You certainly cannot be poor, ugly, or poor and ugly. If you still struggle with meeting that special someone whose looks and riches are appropriate for your unrealistic standards, try attending Luxy's Millionaire Singles Parties in NYC, LA, Miami, Paris, Milan, and London. Don't forget to bring business cards and tell everyone you are besties with Johnny Depp. By the way, the genuinely smart thing about Luxy is that approved members actually have their income verified. Their looks don't, though, but that's no problem as everyone here can afford extensive plastic surgery.